Taxing One-Liners

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Capital Punishment: Congress comes up with a new tax.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order.

When filling out your income-tax forms, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent -- the federal government.


Speed Trooper

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3:00 one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call, there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, Okla. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver woke up when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon decided to have some fun and began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!'

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?


Air Traffic Controllers

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers from around the world:

  • The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!
  • A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
  • Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!".
    Air Traffic Control (sternly): "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
    Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
  • Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
  • O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in my sights.
  • The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened some years ago to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
    Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
    Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
    The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with some impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
    Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes I have, Ground - in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."


The Devolution of Federal Security Bureaucracy

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. Although Lincoln hired and paid him out of his own pocket, Pinkerton was the beginning of the Secret Service (SS).

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, TSA, DHS, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "F A T A S S"