Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as
Steven Spielberg was discussing
his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers
starring top movie stars. Sylvester
Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce
Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the
box office 'oomph' of these
superstars, so he was prepared to
allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray, as
long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've
always admired Mozart. I would love
to play him."
"Chopin has always been my
favorite, and my image would improve
if people saw me playing the piano,"
said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to
Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with
these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he
asked, "Who do you want to be,
So Arnold says........
"I'll be Bach."
It's a little-known fact that
Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre
Dame, had an identical twin bother.
The twin had left the city many
years ago, to live in the
countryside, where he made a good
living as a bell-ringer for a small
One day, Quasimiodo decided he
wanted to go on a holiday, so he
called his brother and asks if he'd
like to come over for a week or so
to look after the bells at Notre
Dame. The brother decided that this
would be a great idea. Nice change
of scenery, and all that, so he
packed a couple of bags, and headed
off to Paris.
He was overwhelmed by the scale
of everything, especially the great
cathedral where his brother worked.
Quasimodo lead him high up into the
belfry. "The bell-cords rotted
through years ago," he explains, "
so I now have to ring the bells from
"How do you do that?" asked his
"Well," said Quasi, "I run at the
bells, and hit them with my head
like this...". He dashed and bashed
the nearest bell with his forehead,
and it made a beautiful chime.
After a few demonstrations, the
brother decided to give it a try. He
ran towards a bell, smacked his head
against it, and it made a lovely
chime. Unfortunately, it also gave
him concussion, and he staggered
around the belfry for a moment
before falling out. Down, down,
down, down, down he plunged to the
pavement below as Quasi peered over
the edge in horror.
Down below, a crowd gathered
around the still, broken body.
"Who is it?" cried one horrified
"I'm not sure," said another.
"But his face sure rings a bell."
"Yeah," said a third, "He's a
dead ringer for Quasimodo."
"No, wait," said another. "I
think it's Quasi's brother. I had a
hunch he was back."
If Men Did
A handyman had a dog
named Mace. Mace was a great dog
except for one weird habit: he liked
to eat grass. Not just a little bit,
but in quantities that would make a
lawnmower blush. And nothing, it
seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the
handyman lost his wrench in the tall
grass while he was working outside.
He looked and looked, but it was
nowhere to be found. As it was
getting dark, he gave up for the
night and decided to look the next
When he awoke, he
went outside, and saw that his dog
had eaten the grass all in the area,
around where he had been working,
and his wrench now lay in plain
sight, glinting in the sun. Going
out to get his wrench, he called the
dog over to him and said, "A grazing
Mace, how sweet the hound, that
saved a wrench for me."
Shortly after they
retired from TV and movies, the
famous singing cowboy couple Roy
Rogers and Dale Evans had a problem
with a mountain lion on their ranch.
This lion had cost
Roy and Dale a number of head of
cattle, but what really got Roy's
goat was that one night the big cat
crept onto the front porch of their
house and mangled Roy's brand new
cowboy boots, which had been left
outside overnight for their
sidekick, Pat Brady, to polish.
After he lost his
beautiful new boots, Roy (who tended
to sulk, anyhow, in his retirement
boredom), just hung around the house
moping and grumbling. Finally, Dale
had enough. "Look, Roy," she said,
"I know it's dangerous. But I don't
think you're going to be happy until
you track that mountain lion down
and kill it."
Roy agreed. So next
morning, he saddled up Trigger,
called his famous dog Bullet to his
side, and rode off into the hills
following the big cat's tracks. Dale
anxiously stayed at home, watching
and waiting. She knew "a man's gotta
do what a man's gotta do," But she
also knew Roy was pretty old and
could be in jeopardy out in the
It took days, while
Dale waited in distress. But Roy
found that lion, shot it dead, and
tied the carcass across Trigger's
back for the ride home. Slowly, they
trotted back toward the house
First, Dale saw him
only as a speck in the distance. But
as she watched, she was overjoyed to
see Roy, Trigger, and Bullet all in
good shape. And sure enough! There
was a mountain lion carcass slung
over the saddle. Yee haw!
Dale was so
overjoyed as her beloved husband
rode up the the porch, that she
grabbed her guitar, started
strumming and spontaneously burst
into song: "Pardon me Roy, is that
the cat that chewed your new shoes?"