We all need a push now and again
 A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.  He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.  Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue & red lights blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.  Then 110, 120 mph.  Then he thought, "What am I doing?  I'm too old for this sort of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up to him.   The trooper pulled in behind the  Mercedes and walked up to  the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch.  "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday.  If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

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"WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?"


WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY
DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.

I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR
ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.

I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING
A SENIOR A BREAK?"

HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.

I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING
ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.

SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET
AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.

THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.

THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE
MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.

I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS
ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT

I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.

IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE

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We haven't said anything to anyone about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final.

We just purchased a one-bedroom condo near Hanamu Bay in Oahu, Hawaii, as an investment property. Escrow finally closed this week.

In case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the Islands, it's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, a friend of ours will be handling bookings until I can find an agent. Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week.

These prices are for friends and family only. Prices will be a bit higher for people we don't know but can be discussed on an individual basis.

In any case, it's a one-bedroom, high rise unit overlooking the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a beautiful ocean view from every window.

We've included a photo. Let me know if you're interested.

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A FRESHMAN IN high school brought home his class picture to his mom. She asked him to write something soft and mushy on the back of it.
So he wrote "Oatmeal."

AN ELDERLY COUPLE recently had dinner at another couple’s house. After eating, the women went into the kitchen and the men visited in the living room. One man started telling the other about a great restaurant he and his wife had just been to. “What was the name of that restaurant?” asked Joe. Tom thought for a while and said, “You know those flowers you give to someone you love…the one that’s red with the thorns?” “A rose,” replied Joe. “Yes, that’s it,” said Tom as he turned toward the kitchen. “Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?”

Teacher: Johnny, your composition "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Johnny: No, teacher. It's the same dog.