This week as I watch my boys I realize they are not boys any more but young men. They are adults now, at least in the eyes of the law. I begin to think of people in my life. I think on growing up. Not being a grown up, but growing continually.

 My own parents have passed on, and I watch the growing process through MJ’s folks. Father in law is… 74 this year, my own papa would have been… 78 this year. I watch my mother in law with her maze of health issues, only 62 and already seemingly old and fragile. My own mama would have been 81 this year.

I worry over them, both having declining health and yet so insistent that they need no help. Dad is now slurring words, as if he had a small stroke. Mom has just had her 9^th and hopefully last back surgery in 3 years. She has some symptoms also of having had a small stroke, though no one will bring it up.

Every time we ask the town kids we are assured they are fine. However having seen a stroke first hand, both during and its horrible aftermath, I am not so sure.

I watch my beloved MJ as he works too hard and worries too much, mostly over money, which we never seem to have enough of to satisfy everyone who wants it. I wonder what he faces as he grows. I know he needs to lose weight, and we are working on that. I wonder if mom and dad had seen their parents failing as we are, what they would have changed to not follow suit.

For my part the health issues were mostly genetic, and though I do watch my fats, and I try to get exercise, I am a bit overweight, and I look frighteningly like my own mama at this age. Mama was a beautiful woman, but I wonder if being her mirror image is only skin deep, or do I have the same  time bombs inside that she had. Of course at my age (40) she had just had a baby! I wonder what she could have done to stop her life being cut short. She died young, the first of her grown siblings, at age 55. I shudder to think that is my older sisters’ age now and I pray she over comes whatever obstacle mama could not. All the 3 living siblings died from stroke or stroke related things, mama first, then her sister Ruth, then the oldest, Pauline. True the other Ruth and Pauline lived longer, Ruth was in her sixties I think and Pauline I believe late seventies, maybe early eighties. I have no real clue when they were born but I think Pauline was born in 1912, mama was born in 1923. Ruth I think was 1921.

I think of my papa who died in 2000, just ten days after Christopher’s 13^th birthday. He went fairly suddenly of a massive heart attack. I wonder how much of it could have been prevented had he done different things in his youth.

I do not to dwell on these things, because living in fear of what might be could become a consuming disability. I tend to do my best and let nature take care of its self.

I can’t help but think though, what of these things did our parents leave with us. Is my weight, which though it is too much has been fairly steady over the years since my youngest was born, something they gave me? I have tried exercise, walking miles upon miles daily and eating nothing but veggies and meats, and my weight never wavered.

My main place of concern this night as I sit and think on these things is MJ’s parents though. We long to be of help to them but we are not permitted much access. Mom is never well enough for visitors, at least not over the last couple of months. We worry over dad being the only care giver, is he taking care of himself or as is his pattern overdoing it to be sure she is comfortable.

Then I begin to realize, I am not far off from grandkids! My goodness! I don’t quite feel like grandma material just yet, but I have some friends my age that have become them sooner than planned.

 As my thoughts begin to wind down I think of my own life. The rich fabric I have woven as I lived on the earth. While there is still time I wonder if I had the chance of a do over, what would I choose to use it on. Would I spend in on changing material things, more money, and better job? Or would I look deeper to the more important things, like spending a bit more time trying to get to know and understand my aged father.

As I look forward, I realize, I am not full grown yet. I may be an adult, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to give up the fun of snow flakes on the tongue (though to be sure snow is a very rare occurrence here!). I also enjoy a good pillow fight, and bottle rockets (a fun way to water the yard in summer, take a 3 liter bottle, and a hose, fill the bottle upside down until it blasts off into the air) Fireworks and stars still hold wonder and beauty for my eyes. Small children are a glory to cuddle and share stories with, and a bit of tussling on the living room rug is always in order!

Yep, I will let tomorrow take care of its self, tonight it is me, a good book, a comfy pillow, and my beloved MJ by my side.

Good night and God bless everyone!

Mel

BABY’S EYES
Beautiful pools of blue they look at you,
More precious than sapphires
Are your baby’s eyes to you.
Slowly perhaps you’ll see
them change and you may see
the glittering green of emeralds
or the beckoning brown of topaz.
Your child is your jewel,
And whatever you see,
Underneath there lies a mine of love
Deeper than the sea.
Melissa Frizell