Legitimately single

12-12-05

The library is definitely a better place to meet a future mate than a bar. I have some other constructive suggestions. Many successful marriages have begun with meeting in a church. It tells you something about values. Other good places to meet are of a similar sort, places where you meet other people who share your concerns, your passions, your conscience. So, any kind of volunteer work, any community service, will introduce you to interesting people of both sexes. If you care about politics, get active and see who you meet. If you have a hobby, an avocation, find out where other people who share this interest meet, and when you get there, make sure you introduce yourself. You might meet that special someone at a PTA meeting, another parent (or a teacher) who cares enough to get involved. But the last place I would recommend is a bar. That is a hang-out for people who either can't be social without being at least a little drunk, or people who are "on the make," people wearing masks to look good and maybe "score."

Meeting people in sensible places like the library or the Little League is no guarantee, of course. No matter where you meet men (or women) you have to take long enough to know him (or her.) You have to see the person in many different situations, and see how he/she responds to stress, frustration, disappointment, mistakes of others and your mistakes, etc. You definitely want to know how he treats his mother, how she gets along with her father. If there is little love or if there is a dysfunctional relationship with the opposite sex parent, that pretty much guarantees that you will either get the same kind of treatment or that you will be punished for the sins of the parent. If your intended does not show affection to the opposite sex parent in a way you need to be shown love, you can assume marriage to this person will be endlessly frustrating for you.

One reads so often of frugal people married to spend-thrifts, of disciplinarian parents married to permissive parents, of all kinds of opposites that soon become contentious. It is important to evaluate as many areas of value as you can think of, and decide if you can live with the persons flaws for the rest of your life. Don't continue dating someone who does not share your most important values; that way leads only to heartache and typically to at least one very big nasty fight.

This evaluation process does not mean that you keep on evaluating and that you marry with the idea that the day your mate stops fitting your agenda, you call it quits. There will be surprises no matter how thoughtfully you considered all known possibilities before you said, "I do." People do grow and change, and seldom in the ways we would predict, often not in the ways we want. If you aren't in it for forever, you aren't in it for love. If you can, figure out if your potential mate has this kind of "we can always divorce if it doesn't work out" mentality. Don't plan for a positive change, but don't plan to leave if something changes without your "permission." I didn't expect my husband to become an alcoholic, but he did. I stuck with him, and he's been a recovered alcoholic for more than a year now.

I heard it said, "Marry your best friend." I think this is excellent advice. Someone who will be very special to you may be someone you already like and respect. Of course, don't wreck a good friendship by trying to turn it into romance when the other person wants just friendship. Just be open, and leave room for friendship to blossom into something more. Don't neglect your friends, because someone you know, or someone your friends know, may be your soulmate.

Rose B, mother of three, in NC

Legitimately single? Good luck. Even then, what are the true intentions? It is best to know a fellow for several years in order to know their “true colors” or how they respond to situations in life. Some ladies say that they met a great fellow in a bar. Not very likely. Some take their fellow to church only to find that the guy is having an affair with a girl in the choir. You just never know. You need to know another person long enough to know if they are actually telling you the truth or just what you want to hear and string you along. This is a wild old world where much is justified.

You stand a better chance of finding a good guy by meeting a fellow at the library. At least he knows how to read and enjoys doing so. Not just getting drunk and chasing tail. There may be love at first sight but give any relationship a lot of time and don’t ever rush anything. Otherwise, you’ll be left with a pocket full of lies. I watch the email ads and I doubt that ladies know how they are offered to men. If they did, they wouldn’t be signing up with the dating services.

Especially with online friends, you don’t know who they really are. I have corresponded with many people that I learn they are not what they start out telling me they are. They will want to meet in order to be good friends. I don’t do that.

Best of luck to you. But it is better to keep on following your own interests so you can find friends that enjoy the things that you enjoy. Opposites might attract for a little while but you’d be left with no common interests.

Nita