Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.  Enjoy the following: 
1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: 
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

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ABOUT GROWING OLDER... 

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. 

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf. 

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. 

 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"  "Because white is the  color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.  As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running  again.  As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me late...  But please don't shove me either!"
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,  "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper he calls it a sermon.  And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month! Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if  you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Smart Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat  home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," The wife answers, 'why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop  said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.