Three pieces of rope were wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, "Read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes." 

"Oh come on just this once," the rope asked again. The bartender said "nope," so the rope left. 

The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said "Hey Buddy, it's just like I told  your friend we don't serve ropes here." Dejected the rope left the bar.

The 3rd rope heard both of their stories and thought for a moment. He rolled himself up and fluffed his cut ends. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink. 
The bartender asked, "Hey are you a rope?"

The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said, "Nope, I am a frayed knot!"

The above bit of laughter was sent in by Jan Jennrich. Thank you Jan.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA......

A woman in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.  One cool October evening, he disappeared.  She searched for him in vain.
 
The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean.  She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats.  Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.
 
The next spring, he returned.  Perplexed, she began asking neighbors for clues.  Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple...
 
"A black cat?" the woman asked.  "Oh, yes.  My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier.  We take him to Florida every winter..."   

 
EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO WORK
  • I was sprayed by a skunk.
  • I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
  • My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
  • I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
  • I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
  • I couldn't find my shoes.
  • I hurt myself bowling.
  • I was spit on by a venomous snake.
  • I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
  • A hit man was looking for me.
  • My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
  • I eloped.
  • My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
  • My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
  • I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
  • I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.
  • I forgot what day of the week it was.
  • Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
  • A tree fell on my car.
  • My monkey died.