Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
     "It is."
     "This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
     "I can."
     "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
     "I do."
     "Is he a member of your congregation?"
     "He is."
     "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
     "He will."
TWENTY-FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP...

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a single one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

 
THE ATHEIST

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,
admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
a  powerful river!   What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak
brown bear beginning  to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.   He looked  over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing in on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.  As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him,  reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!" The voice of God replied from a bright light, "Oh, Now you call me as a believer?"


Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light
and said,  "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all
these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said GOD.
The light went out...
The river ran...

The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food
which  I am  about to receive. Amen"

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

1.  Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

2.  He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3.  A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5.  Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?

6.  I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

7.  When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8.  Seen it all, done it all.  Can't remember most of it.

9.  Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10.  I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11  He's not dead.  He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12.  She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

24.  Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25.  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26.  The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28.  Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29.  The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30.  A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

31.  It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32.  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33.  I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa or Grandma's lap.
11) Never poop in the ocean, poop floats.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. ! I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old w hen you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having ***.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having ***.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.