A Wisconsin Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked  with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Wisconsin to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card", "SHOW, HIM, YOUR, CARD!!!!"

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them," he shouted.
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars,  An Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George:  "I thought you said that you'd shot them! "George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

 
AN INSURANCE agent was talking to a farmer, trying to sell him a life insurance policy.

"Have you ever met with an accident?" asked the insurance agent.

"No," replied the farmer, "but a mule kicked me in the ribs once, and a rattlesnake bit me on the leg."

"Good grief!" exclaimed the agent. "Don't you consider those accidents?"

"Naw," said the farmer. "They did it on purpose."

 
 
A SALESMAN drove his car into a ditch in a rural area. Luckily, a farmer came to his aid with his big strong horse, “Buddy.” He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy did not move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Again, Buddy just stood there.

Next, the farmer ordered, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Still, Buddy didn’t budge. Finally, the farmer yelled, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” The big horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The salesman thanked the farmer and then asked, “Why did you call your horse by the wrong name three times?”

The farmer grinned. “Buddy’s blind,” he answered. “If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

 
ENTERING a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign that read, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” Inside, he saw a harmless old hound asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the owner, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep,” the owner answered. “That’s him.”

The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he said with a chuckle. “Why did you decide to post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted it, people kept tripping over him.”

 

 
THE great detective Sherlock Holmes and his companion Dr. Watson were on a camping trip. As they bedded down for the night, Holmes said, “Watson, look up in the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson answered, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“And what does that tell you?” Holmes continued. Watson answered, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets…theologically, it tells me God is great, and that we are small and insignificant…meteorologically, it tells me tomorrow will be a beautiful day. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Someone stole our tent."

 
Murphy's Laws of Computing:

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

4. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

5. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

6. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

7. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.