HUMOR

Women's Rules For Men

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.

6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lazy," and "Witch" are bad.

12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better kissers.

15. Her cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Dishsoap is your friend.

18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

27. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

28. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

29. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

30. Call.

31. Don't lie.

32. The rules are never fair. The fact that she has to go through morning sickness and labor while your only participation in baby-making is a lot more fun isn't fair, either, and that balances everything.

The Guys' Rules

We always hear the rules from the female perspective. (See below!) Here, now, are the rules from the male side. Ladies, these are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers, no matter how much we love you.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do something, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color . Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, transmissions, and golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but the truth is, men really don't mind it at all? We just think of it as camping.

Contributed by Jerry Poole