If you came upon Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river, and you had a choice between rescuing him or taking a prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.:
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.:
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a try, run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.:
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.:
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

The Real Meaning of Garden-Catalog Terminology

"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.

"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."

"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."

"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.

"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.

"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.

"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."

"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.

Garden Quotes -- Garden Riddles

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
- Lou Erickson

What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.

What's green and one heck of a shooter?
Annie Okra

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I'm going to get a tractor that small!
- Steven Wright

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
- Richard Diran

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

Yet, in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a commentator.

You Know You Live in the Country ...

... when a trip to the dump means you might get some new furniture.

... when you know what a chigger is.

... when your next-door neighbor lives a mile down the road.

... when the nearest big aquarium is stocked with bait.

... when you consider duct tape and WD-40 to be among the fundamental components holding the universe together.

... when you can hear the neighbor's truck two miles down the road.

... when you keep a grease jar on the stove.

... when today's dinner was strolling around the yard yesterday morning.

... when the biggest thing you ever won was a 50 pound sack of manure.