The Flower-Growing Monks

Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn't grow, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.

As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By this time, they had tired of the florist's constant whining and they ignored him. The florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower business, but they ignored her, too.

By this time, the florist was nearly bankrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he'd be back if they didn't close the shop.

Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Chess Masters

All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.

The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. "If there's one thing I can't stand," he says, "it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

A Mouse's Nightmare

And Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as ...

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

Quasimodo's Kin


It's a little-known fact that Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, had an identical twin bother. The twin had left the city many years ago, to live in the countryside, where he made a good living as a bell-ringer for a small rural church.

One day, Quasimiodo decided he wanted to go on a holiday, so he called his brother and asks if he'd like to come over for a week or so to look after the bells at Notre Dame. The brother decided that this would be a great idea. Nice change of scenery, and all that, so he packed a couple of bags, and headed off to Paris.

He was overwhelmed by the scale of everything, especially the great cathedral where his brother worked. Quasimodo lead him high up into the belfry. "The bell-cords rotted through years ago," he explains, " so I now have to ring the bells from up here."

"How do you do that?" asked his brother.

"Well," said Quasi, "I run at the bells, and hit them with my head like this...". He dashed and bashed the nearest bell with his forehead, and it made a beautiful chime.

After a few demonstrations, the brother decided to give it a try. He ran towards a bell, smacked his head against it, and it made a lovely chime. Unfortunately, it also gave him concussion, and he staggered around the belfry for a moment before falling out. Down, down, down, down, down he plunged to the pavement below as Quasi peered over the edge in horror.

Down below, a crowd gathered around the still, broken body.

"Who is it?" cried one horrified onlooker.

"I'm not sure," said another. "But his face sure rings a bell."

"Yeah," said a third, "He's a dead ringer for Quasimodo."

"No, wait," said another. "I think it's Quasi's brother. I had a hunch he was back."

If Men Did Housework


Amazing ...

A handyman had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except for one weird habit: he liked to eat grass. Not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."


Roy's New Footware

Shortly after they retired from TV and movies, the famous singing cowboy couple Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had a problem with a mountain lion on their ranch.

This lion had cost Roy and Dale a number of head of cattle, but what really got Roy's goat was that one night the big cat crept onto the front porch of their house and mangled Roy's brand new cowboy boots, which had been left outside overnight for their sidekick, Pat Brady, to polish.

After he lost his beautiful new boots, Roy (who tended to sulk, anyhow, in his retirement boredom), just hung around the house moping and grumbling. Finally, Dale had enough. "Look, Roy," she said, "I know it's dangerous. But I don't think you're going to be happy until you track that mountain lion down and kill it."

Roy agreed. So next morning, he saddled up Trigger, called his famous dog Bullet to his side, and rode off into the hills following the big cat's tracks. Dale anxiously stayed at home, watching and waiting. She knew "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," But she also knew Roy was pretty old and could be in jeopardy out in the wild.

It took days, while Dale waited in distress. But Roy found that lion, shot it dead, and tied the carcass across Trigger's back for the ride home. Slowly, they trotted back toward the house

First, Dale saw him only as a speck in the distance. But as she watched, she was overjoyed to see Roy, Trigger, and Bullet all in good shape. And sure enough! There was a mountain lion carcass slung over the saddle. Yee haw!

Dale was so overjoyed as her beloved husband rode up the the porch, that she grabbed her guitar, started strumming and spontaneously burst into song: "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"