Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Good gracious, Sir," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have.

The first vampire says in a Transylvanian accent, "I'll have some O Positive, straight up."

The second vampire says, "Give me a mug of AB Negative."

The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

Three pastors were having lunch in a coffee shop.

One said "Boy, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

The second agreed. "Me, too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

Then both men turned to the third pastor, who had been quietly listening to the conversation. "Didn't you have a similar problem?" they asked.

"I did," said the third man. "But not any more."

"What on earth did you do?" his companions chorused.

"I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. They haven't been back since!"

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never, ever check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house - move away immediately.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never go off on your own when monsters are on the loose.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's NOT just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If the appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead -- particularly magical rings, amulets, or mysterious scraps of parchment.

If you find a town that looks deserted, trust us; it's for a reason. Stay away.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice (more if you are of the female persuasion). Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to that nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.