A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty years of misery is enough!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son exclaims.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and shouts at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" She slams down the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, Honey" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Don't Make Me Go!
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a Pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson snorted. "Then why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Southern Wise Men
In a small southern town there was a Nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered a passing tourist from New England. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the tourist left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
The tourist assured her that he did, in fact, read the Bible, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen around the manger.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages. Finally, she jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she gloated, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;
Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)