What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and

for swine flu you need oinkment

 

Penguins 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?  

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing.

 

  

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

(our thanks to Pamela at Real Country Life for sharing the above giggle with us.)

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

 Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

 Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

 People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

 Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

 Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

 He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


 A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

 

This joke was in the paper here in North Pole...too cute!
 
 
Two boys, 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.  They were always in trouble.  When the boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The preacher agreed but asked to see them individually.  The mother sent the 8 year old first.
 
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is?"  The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.  The preacher repeated in an even sterner tone: "Where is God?"  The terrified boy made no attempt to answer.
 
The preacher raised his voice even more, shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
 
The boy yelped and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him, the boy gasped for breath and said, "We are in big trouble this time.  God is missing and they think we did it"

Thank you Wanda... for both the above giggles...

Nymphomania Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
 "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

 

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at
a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the
Oklahoma back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
being a typical man didn't stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew. The
funeral guy had evidently gone, as the diggers were eating
lunch and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I felt badly about this. I apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The
vault lid was already in place. I started to play and the
workers gathered around. I played out my heart and soul for
this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the
workers began to weep. I played like I'd never played
before.. Then I finished and started for my car.

As I was opened the door, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that
before. And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years."

Thank you Arlene Wright-Correll