Strange Statistics - Guns vs. Doctors


(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) The number of accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.


(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

SO, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.

Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

Sort-of-patriotic Groaners

Any readers who have children, or who will encounter children at a 4th of July party, will want to copy these to use on them. Use on adults is undertaken at your own risk.

Q. What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
A. John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

Q. What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
A. Beneduck Arnold!

Q. What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
A. The Boston Flea Party!

Q. What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A. The Americans licked the British!

Q. Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
A. Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q. Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A. To get to the other tide!

Q. What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
A. Yankee Poodle!

Q. Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A. Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q. What did one flag say to the other flag?
A. Nothing. It just waved!

Q. What's red, white, blue, and gross?
A. Uncle Spam!

Q. What's red, white, black and blue?
A. Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Q. Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
A. At the chopping mall!

Q. What kind of tea did the American colonists like most?
A. Liberty!

Q. Which colonists told the most jokes?
A. Punsylvanians!

Q. What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects?
A. Mt. Vermin!

Q. Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
A. Laughayette!

Q. What did King George think of the American colonists?
A. He thought they were revolting!

Q. Why were the early American settlers like ants?
A. Because they lived in colonies.

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

And now you know how the stock market works.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Bear Alert

The Massachusetts State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Chelmsford, Lowell, North Reading and Carlisle areas.

They advise that people wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Suzanne was leaving her job at an insurance claims office.

Here is how we imagine things went...

Bakery's phone rings.

Language-challenged bakery employee: Hello. XYZ bakery.

Customer: Hello. I'd like to order a cake for a going away party this afternoon. We'll pick it up at 3 PM.

Employee: What kind of cake you want?

Customer: A chocolate cake with white frosting and some flowers.

Employee: Okay, What you want it to say?

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne'

Employee: That's it?

Customer: No. Underneath that, 'We will miss you.'

Employee: Okay.

Around 4 PM, the customer picked up the cake and took it back to the office. At four, everyone gathered for the party and someone opened the cake box...