Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

 "Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

 Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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 At a Proctologist's door:

 "To expedite your visit, please back in. "

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."

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On an Electrician's truck:

 "Let us remove your shorts."

 ******** ******************

 In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 **************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 **************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

 "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 **************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 **************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

 In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 **************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;

come on in and get fed up."

 **************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 **************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

 **************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 **********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

The above chuckles came from Pamela Porterfield, visit her website at Real Country Life.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website: the answers were also there!

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come dressed in medieval costume.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come dressed in medieval costume.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by dressing in medieval costume before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you host places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance."

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.

The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Thank you Leonie.

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